


Dee and Dennis: A Sibling Rivalry

by InsanityRule



Series: It's Always Sunny Script Fics [12]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2015-04-16
Packaged: 2018-03-23 04:30:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3754627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsanityRule/pseuds/InsanityRule
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dennis has opened his bedroom to men.<br/>Dee is less than thrilled about his first date.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dee and Dennis: A Sibling Rivalry

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ChloShow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChloShow/gifts).



> ChloShow put up an idea on tumblr and I ran with it.

[5:41 pm.]  
[On a Friday.]  
[Philadelphia, PA.]  
[Dennis is at a table chatting with a hot guy.]  
Dennis: So, you see, it’s this really nice rest- oh shit hold on- [Glances to the bar.] I gotta get some cash before we go.  
Dee: [Filling a glass.] Who’s the hunk?  
Dennis: Oh, Dee, Sweet Dee, I realized something the other day. I was doing the world a disservice. You see, I was only dating women, and denying an entire sex from enjoying my many sexual talents. So this man, this stunning 10, a great specimen for me, is my date for tonight. I’ll be leaving in about ten minutes. And after a nice dinner at Guigino’s I will bang this man.  
[Dee is speechless.]  
Dennis: Your silence says enough. I know I did well with Alexander over there.  
Dee: You… wh…  
Dennis: [Smug. Grabs cash from the register.] Have a nice night Dee.  
Dee: God damn him. Damnit Dennis. That asshole thinks he can swoop in and snag a guy like that on his first try? Oh ho, you’re gonna regret this you little son of a bitch.

[Dee and Dennis: A Sibling Rivalry.]  
[Truncated Theme Music.]

Dee: It’s complete bullshit Charlie. I should be the one on a date with a guy like Alexander.  
Charlie: Dee I’d really like to talk or whatever but me and Frank are busy.  
Dee: What could you two possibly think is so important.  
Frank: We’re starting a side business. [Lifts up a sign that says Cat Exterminators.]  
Dee: That is absolutely terrible.  
Charlie: Who wouldn’t want a cat exterminator?  
Frank: There’s thousands of cats Deandra!  
Charlie: A completely untapped workforce!  
Dee: Okay I thought I knew what was going on but you lost me.  
Charlie: It’s simple Dee. Me and Frank are training those cats that follow me to hunt on command. We go to people’s houses. Release our cats. They catch the mice. We call them back. Boom. Loaded with cash.  
Dee: That is a really stupid idea. Have fun with that.  
Charlie: You’re just jealous we’re not including you. Come on Frank let’s get to work.  
[Dee’s shaking her head as they leave.]  
Mac: [Emerges from the office.] Hey Den- where’s Dennis?  
Dee: Out on a date with some hot dude. [Realization face.] Say Mac…  
Mac: I didn’t know Dennis was into dating dudes. Dee he’s going to hell for this.  
Dee: Yeah yeah and a bunch of other shit say, Mac, I got a job for you.  
Mac: No.  
Dee: Oh come one it’s just one favor. It’s for Dennis.  
Mac: Well… what is it?  
Dee: You need to help Dennis out by going on a date with a dude.  
Mac: Yea-huh? Why?  
Dee: It’s a great plan Mac. You go on a date with a guy, to the same place as Dennis of course, and you make sure he sees you and gets jealous so he’ll ignore Alexander.  
Mac: I don’t want to date a dude, Dee.  
Dee: It’s a fake date Mac.  
Mac: Why does it have to be a dude? I don’t want God thinking I’m confused. I mean, he should know the truth-  
Dee: One would hope.  
Mac: -but I don’t want to give anybody the wrong idea.  
Dee: Well, it just does Mac, okay? It has to be a dude or the plan won’t work. What do you say?  
Mac: I’m not dating a dude.  
Dee: You’re such a boner. Okay, fine. Fine. We’ll go to dinner.  
Mac: Dee eating alone at a restaurant is so lame.  
Dee: Are you kidding me? We’ll sit at the same table, Mac.  
Mac: Ew that’s worse than dating a dude.  
Dee: It’s not a date you idiot. We’ll be all best buddies while Dennis tries to get the guy to bang him. He’ll see us, get jealous, and boom. No more Alexander.  
Mac: [Looks disgusted.] It’s still worse. I don’t see why I have to do any of this.  
Dee: It’s important okay? How about I pay for your dinner. I have Frank’s credit card. We’ll go to Guigino’s and you can order whatever you want.  
Mac: Can I get fish?  
Dee: Of course.  
Mac: Okay fine. But I won’t like it.

[Charlie and Frank’s.]  
[There are at least twenty cats inside.]  
Charlie: Okay. This is a mouse. [Holds up a picture.] You guys- hey, no peeing on the bed! Frank get the spray!  
Frank: We’re all out! These cats are a menace! You’re not teaching fast enough!  
Charlie: It’s not my fault okay! Cat’s are very resistant to instructions you know that!  
Frank: They found the cat food!  
Charlie: Shit! Frank get more spray! Frank?  
[Frank is crawling out the window.]  
Charlie: Damnit Frank!

[Guigino’s.]  
Dennis: Owning a bar is never boring.  
Alexander: It just seemed kind of slow before we left.  
Dennis: [Not amused.] Who gets drunk before six? Alcoholics. It’s way more interesting than accounting or whatever it is you do. And besides-

[Camera pans to Dee and Mac’s table across the restaurant.]  
Mac: That dude isn’t even buff.  
Dee: Yep that is what you would focus on Mac. Will you hurry up and pick something to order?  
Mac: I wanna make sure I’ll like the food. Otherwise I’ll have bad food and your ugly bird face to deal with.  
Dee: You are such a whiny bitch Mac. What happened to wanting fish?  
Mac: You’re doing that fish face thing too it turned me off the snapper.  
Dee: Oh my God it’s food there aren’t even that many options.  
Mac: I’ll leave Dee I swear to God.  
Waiter: Are you ready to order?  
Mac: No.  
Dee: Yes.  
Waiter: Oh joy.

[Charlie and Frank’s.]  
[Empty cat food tins everywhere.]  
[Charlie is shoving cats out the window but they keep jumping back in.]  
Charlie: Son of a bitch. [Out the window.] God damnit Frank get back here!  
[Meowing.]  
Charlie: God damn it.  
Frank: Charlie I got our first job!  
Charlie: Holy shit that’s awesome! I thought you abandoned me dude.  
Frank: I wouldn’t do that Charlie. Now come on, daylight’s almost gone.  
[Both start grabbing cats.]

[Guigino’s.]  
Dennis: You’re pretty fit. You must work out a lot.  
Alexander: I run every day.  
Dennis: Running? No lifting?  
Alexander: Not for me. I want to stay lean.  
Dennis: Ha, see, Mac’s all about lifting. Obsessed. You should really consider it you would fill out nicely. I can recommend a few workouts. Get you trim and properly muscular.  
Alexander: Um… no thanks.  
Dennis: I see. That’s fine really. You’re a man with agency. Independence. Good. Good.

Dee: Why hasn’t he noticed?  
Mac: Huh? [Messily eating.] Oh Dennis? I dunno. Do you think he’s okay?  
Dee: I’m sure he’s… I don’t care. [Sounds bitter.]  
[Charlie falls into the chair by Mac.]  
Mac: Woah hey dude. How’s it going?  
Charlie: You do not want to know. [His sweatshirt starts wriggling.]  
Dee: What a… whatcha got there Charlie?  
Charlie: Huh? [Looks down.] Oh! [Pulls out a kitten.] See we tried adult cats but you know they’re really set in their ways. Can’t teach an old cat new tricks.  
Dee: Well that’s not the saying but sure.  
Charlie: [Flags down the waiter.] Can I get some milk? Oh! And the fish.  
Waiter: He’s joining you? [Disgusted by Charlie’s attire.]  
Dee: You heard him. Milk and fish. Chop chop penguin man.  
Charlie: So what’s going on here?  
Dee: Look over there. [Points.]  
Charlie: Oh, Dennis’ man date. So the jealousy plan isn’t working?  
Dee: Not even a little. He hasn’t looked over once. Jealousy only works if they look.  
Mac: I don’t see why you’re trying to make him jealous. It’s weird Dee who cares if he wants to go to hell? I know you’re close but… Are you trying to bang Dennis? Think if he sees you with his sexy best friend he’ll be all over you?  
Dee: Mac he’s my brother! I’m not trying to bang him! I- ugh-! Charlie!  
Charlie: [Giving the cat his milk.] I got this Dee. Dude, she’s trying to make Dennis jealous of you.  
Mac: Why me?  
Charlie: Well, Dee you wanted to bang that dude right? [Dee nods.] And Dennis is in the way. So if she gets Dennis all jealous of you she can go and get the guy.  
Mac: Why would that even work?  
Charlie: Because Dennis is totally in love with you dude.  
[Silence.]  
Mac: Oh I know Dennis is in love with me. What I don’t get is why we’re doing this stupid plan in the first place.  
Dee: Dennis can’t have a boyfriend. It’ll mess everything up.  
Charlie: The whole group could implode dude. It’ll be the gay bar all over again.  
Dee: But this time in Dennis’ pants. And his bed.  
Mac: What! He’s not banging strange dudes in the apartment!  
[Frank appears at the end of their table.]  
Frank: Charlie! How could you! I never abandon you and look what you did to me!  
Charlie: Dude the cats all scattered what do you want from me?  
Frank: I had to catch the mice with my teeth!  
Dee: Great, just great. [Face in hands.]  
Mac: If Dennis starts banging dudes he’s using your place Dee!  
Dee: Over my dead body you repressed asshole!  
Mac: I’m not an asshole! Take that back you stupid bitch!  
Manager: Excuse me. [All yelling.] Excuse me! [All look up.] There have been several complaints. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.  
Dee: Fine! And here I thought this place had class.  
[All four standing around outside.]  
Dee: Damnit. There goes my chance with Alexander.  
[Dennis exits the restaurant, muttering angrily.]  
Mac: Dennis?  
Dennis: Oh. What are you guys doing here? Nevermind, I need a drink.  
Dee: Date didn’t go well?  
Dennis: Too strong willed for my taste. I let him down easy.

Dennis: What do you mean it isn’t going well?  
Alexander: Look, I don’t know who this Mac guy is but are you seeing him or something? Because this is the tenth time you’ve brought him up.

Dennis: It doesn’t matter anyway. Let’s go get smashed.

[End Theme.]


End file.
